Setting Boundaries That Actually Work: A Therapist's Guide
You’ve heard a lot of buzz about it; all of your favorite TikTokers are talking about it. What are boundaries, and how do you set them, anyway? This article will discuss how to know if you need to set boundaries and what you can do to enforce them.
Signs You Need Better Boundaries
Are you:
Feeling constantly drained
Saying "yes" when you want to say "no"
Feeling resentful in relationships
Taking on others' emotional responsibilities
If so, then you may want to consider setting better boundaries with those around you. It’s possible that you’re taking on too much from others, and need to set better limits on what you can do with others and with yourself.
Boundary-setting can be especially difficult if you’ve experienced emotional trauma. Survivors have been guilted and told that their needs don’t matter. Setting boundaries is a way to reclaim your sense of self and autonomy in your relationships.
What a boundary is, and what a boundary isn’t
Some influencers define boundaries as expectations you set on other people–but there is something big that this definition is missing. Instead, a boundary is a limitation or expectation on what you’re going to do or how you’re going to behave. That’s right–a boundary is not an expectation you set for others, but something you communicate about yourself.
Why is that? Well, what it boils down to is that we cannot control others’ behavior. It all comes down to enforceability. Can you actually enact the boundary that you’re trying to set? Here are some examples of “boundaries” that are unenforceable:
Parents: “I hate it when you criticize my job, my love life, and my apartment. You need to stop.”
Siblings: “I need you to call me more.” Or, “stop calling me so much!”
Friends: “It’s your turn to come visit me. I’m tired of traveling all the way out to see you.”
Bosses: “Could you please stop emailing me on my days off? I’m exhausted.”
All that we can control is our own behavior and responses. When we set a boundary, we are communicating to someone, “here’s what I’m going to do, here’s what I’m not going to do; here’s what I’m willing to talk about, and here’s what I’m not going to listen to.”
How to set a boundary
When we set a boundary, instead of telling others what to do, what we are going to do is describe our own behavior and choices if certain conditions arise. Remember the old “if…then…” conditional (high school English, anyone)? First, we describe the condition that’s going to trigger our reaction. Then, we’re going to describe our response to the condition. Optionally, we can also offer alternatives if the person we’re speaking to doesn’t want to elicit that particular response. What does that look like? Let’s take one the above examples again:
Parents: “If you’re going to use critical language like that towards me (condition), I’m going to need to end this conversation (response). If you want to keep talking, I’m happy to discuss something else (alternative).”
Read the first statement above, then re-read our new boundary. Do they feel different? Here are some other examples:
Siblings: “I’ve been feeling like I’m putting more work into this relationship than you are–this month, I’ve called you three times and you haven’t called me back. If you’re not able to talk as much right now (condition), then I think I’ll take a break from calling (response). If you’d like to talk on the phone more, feel free to call me anytime (alternative).”
Friends: “I need this to feel a little more even; I can’t come to your place twice as often as you come to mine. Since I came to you the last two times we met up (condition), I’d like it if you came here next time we see each other (response).”
Bosses: “I’ve noticed a lot of emails coming in after-hours (condition). My contract states that I need to be signed on to work 40 hours per week; I’ll respond to emails promptly during the business day (response).”
Common pitfalls
Enforceability: Not only does your boundary need to be enforceable, but you need to be the one to enforce it. If you say you’re going to stop answering your phone, then follow-through and stop answering your phone. Otherwise, you are communicating that your boundary is optional. Don’t offer a response that you’re not prepared to enact. Remember: you are the one who is responsible for maintaining your boundary.
Repetition: You may notice that a boundary lands once, but then your friend, partner, or boss repeats the behavior you are trying to avoid. Unfortunately, if you need to set a boundary once, you may find yourself working with someone who is not going to respect or remember the boundary in the future. Be prepared to repeat your boundary multiple times.
Big reactions: You may get a big reaction the first time or first few times you set a boundary. This is important to take into account; do you have time and space to deal with a big blowout? If not, it might be best to save the boundary-setting until a moment when you have more resources at your disposal. Just know that a big reaction doesn’t mean your boundary isn’t correct or worthwhile; it just means that you are trying to change a dynamic that works much better for the other person than it does for you. Over time, if you stay consistent, these big reactions should diminish if the other person learns that you won’t retract your boundary even if they throw a tantrum.
Guilt: It’s common to feel guilty when setting a boundary. After all, you’re saying “no” to something that a loved one is asking you for. Family members or friends may even actively try to guilt you out of your boundaries. Try to remember that having boundaries on the way you show up for others decreases resentment and might make it easier for you to stay connected and close to the other person. You deserve to have your needs met, too!
Setting boundaries with yourself
Setting some internal boundaries, while different than external boundaries, can be a helpful starting place. Doing so can help you clarify what you are and aren’t willing to do for others. Some examples of internal boundaries could include:
Setting limits on people-pleasing behaviors
Managing negative self-talk
Protecting your own emotional energy
Conclusion
Boundaries can be challenging to set, especially when you’re working with folks in your life who aren’t used to being told “no.” But over time, setting boundaries can significantly improve your life as you free up more time and energy for the things that are most important to you. If you’re struggling to set boundaries, consider reaching out; therapy can help you with crafting and upholding boundaries so that you can live the life you want.
