“Home” for the Holidays: Navigating Difficult Family Relationships
When you have challenging family relationships, the holidays can be activating and destabilizing. You may be experiencing pressure from family members to see them or come home for the holidays, when it’s the last thing you want to do. If your plans do include family members, you may be dreading arguments, pressure, manipulation, or family members ignoring your needs. Doing some preparation in advance of the holidays can help you feel better equipped to navigate this time of year.
Make plans and set expectations
Take some time in advance of the holidays to think about what you’d like your holiday to look like this year. Revisiting holidays from years past can bring clarity in terms of what kinds of holiday experience you can expect with or without family. Here are some questions to consider:
Who do you want to see? Who does your ideal holiday include or exclude? Are you feeling strong in some family relationships, but there are other family members that you know you don’t want to see?
What events will you attend? What activities or meals are important to you? Which can you skip? Have you been disappointed in years past when the family experiences you’d hoped for don’t come to fruition?
How long will you be with family? Do you find that you can handle two days with family, but three, four, or five days is seriously pushing it? Or is one dinner all that you can do without losing it?
What will you talk about? Do you feel better when certain subject areas are off-limits?
What are the potential reactions if you set limits? What’s at stake if you set boundaries? Consider how to balance potential guilt tripping and blow-ups with your needs and limits. Remember, there may not be a right answer here with difficult family members, so above all else, be kind to yourself around this time of year.
We don’t always have full control over how we spend our holidays. Family pressure can be incredibly strong, and our internal sense of obligation can also drive us to spend time with family members. Know that there is no right or wrong answer in terms of how you plan to spend your holiday. At the same time, asking yourself these questions can at least help you get clear on what you want to focus on in terms of your holiday experiences and relationships. If you’re able to do so, setting some boundaries and expectations in advance of the holidays can help avoid triggers and fights.
Coping skills during the holidays
Whether spending some time with your family feels right, or it feels more unavoidable, having some proactive coping skills in your back pocket can be helpful. Try some or all of these strategies:
Set some boundaries and expectations in advance. If you can, let family members know what they can expect from you this holiday. What will you attend and what will you skip? Gently but clearly inform them, “I don’t want to talk about X topic over the holiday.”
Have an ally. Is there someone in your family who can be on your side? Talk to them before the holiday and make plans to support each other. Do you have a friend you can call for some relief or when things get tense? Having a friend to connect with outside of your family can help ground you and reconnect with yourself during a stressful period.
Prepare “safe” conversation topics. Be prepared to redirect inappropriate conversations by having some neutral conversation topics prepared.
Focus on your “why.” Remind yourself why it is important to you to spend the holidays with family. Use this almost as a mantra to reconnect with your values.
Direct the group towards activities that you can all agree on. If you know you fight less when you are all playing a board game, try to steer the group towards that. If arguments tend to break out about cooking, suggest going out to dinner or getting takeout (if it’s in-budget).
Take deep breaths. Practice relaxation strategies like diaphragmatic breathing, 4-7-8 breathing (breathe in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, breathe out for a count of 8), or progressive muscle relaxation (tense and release each muscle group in turn–focus on the hands and feet, or any other non-visible muscle group, in public). You can use these before and after spending time with family, and you might even be able to use some of these strategies in group settings. These strategies help you relax your body and release some tension.
Practice self-care. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and enough to eat and drink. If you’re concerned about getting the kinds of foods you need for yourself, consider bringing your own.
Find alone time. Take walks or offer to run errands during your stay. Make plans with others that you know will be in town. If it’s financially feasible, consider staying in a hotel rather than in a family member’s home. Having some time to yourself can help you take breaks and recharge.
Dealing with family drama during the holidays
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, blowups happen. When drama and arguments hit your family during the holidays, practice these strategies to manage stressful situations:
Use active listening. Sometimes, dysregulated family members will escalate because they feel unheard. Try summarizing what you hear someone saying so that they can see you hear them.
Try to stay out of it or remove yourself from the situation. If other family members are fighting, try to leave the room or disengage from the argument. Remember that very little productive conversation happens when people start shouting.
Avoid engaging in power struggles. If someone tries to provoke you into a confrontation, try to remind yourself that you're not responsible for their behavior. Sometimes, just letting go of the need to be right can keep things from escalating. Try to remain non-defensive and disengage.
Gently but firmly remind family members of your boundaries, then redirect the conversation. If someone asks you about something that is off-limits, change the subject and try to redirect the conversation to something more appropriate. If your limits are being pushed, calmly state, “I’d rather not talk about that,” or “I don’t want to talk about that, but I’d be happy to talk about X with you. Tell me about X.” Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself when family members are pushing your boundaries. If you’ve expressed yourself clearly and family members continue to push, try stating calmly, “I want to stay in this conversation with you, but I am not going to discuss this topic. I’m going to step away for a little bit and come back when we’re ready to talk about something else.” If you can, walk out of the room and return when you feel ready to be calm.
Remember, above all else, that you are not responsible for changing people. Your family members might have been this way for a long time, and ultimately they are responsible for their words and behaviors. Try to accept that this is the way they are without trying to change them.
Be kind to yourself during the holidays, whether you are with family or not. Holidays can be challenging and painful times, and there may be no right or wrong answers as you navigate them. Try to hold compassion for yourself and remember that you are doing the best you can to have a meaningful holiday. With these tips, your holidays may run a little smoother than before.
