Childhood Emotional Neglect: What Is It, What Are Its Impacts, and Is Healing Possible?
We live in a world that prioritizes the physical above all else. And while it may be easy to identify moments of physical abuse or even physical neglect, emotional neglect can be even harder to articulate. But emotional care is just as vital as physical care, and growing up in a house without it can leave a lasting mark.
What is childhood emotional neglect?
You may have experienced childhood emotional neglect if you had a parent or parents* who did not respond to, validate, or support your feelings. Instead of helping you to understand and respond to your emotions, your caregiver dismissed, ignored, or even punished you for your thoughts, feelings, needs, and goals.
Experiencing childhood emotional neglect can have a lasting impact. Children with these experiences can grow into adults who struggle with their emotions, productivity, health, and their relationships.
What does childhood emotional neglect look like?
A parent with poor emotional regulation can emotionally neglect their child. Often, parents have a history of traumatic experiences or difficult life events that leave them ill-equipped to respond to the emotional needs of their children. These parents tend to be too self-absorbed or distracted by their own internal stimuli to hold space for their children. If caregivers haven’t processed their own traumatic experiences, they may not be emotionally ready for the demands of parenting.
The following behaviors are some examples of parental behaviors that contribute to emotional neglect in children:
Chronic invalidation of feelings: Parents may frequently dismiss or invalidate their child’s feelings. When children express their emotions, emotionally neglectful parents can shift attention to their own feelings, tell the child that their feelings are not legitimate or are “too much,” tell the child that the emotions are expressed at the wrong time or phrased in hurtful ways, or outright ignore the emotion altogether. Instead of comforting a child with painful emotions, the parent makes it about them. Children learn that expressing their emotions leads to distancing or even punishment from their parents, and learn to suppress or hide their emotions, even from themselves. Children are not taught how to comfort themselves when having painful emotions.
Disregard for children’s preferences or needs: Parents may ignore, disregard, or dismiss requests or needs from the child.
Minimizing or failing to acknowledge accomplishments: Caregivers do not give attention, praise, or support for accomplishments such as high grades, strong performance in extracurriculars, and awards. Parents may send a message that these accomplishments are expected and therefore not praise-worthy, or they may belittle the accomplishment.
Little awareness of the child’s inner world: Caregivers who are emotionally neglectful never seem to listen when the child talks to them. They do not attend to details in the child’s life, such as who their friends are, what classes they are taking, or their interests.
Inconsistency: Emotionally neglectful parents may be present at times, but they can’t be relied upon to be there. They may have unpredictable mood swings and may take out their feelings on their children or even hold their children responsible for their own feelings. Rules also may not have been applied consistently; caregivers may swing from rigidity to permissiveness in an unpredictable manner. Children in this environment have difficulty following the rules because they are so inconsistently applied, and may learn to emotionally caretake for their dysregulated parents.
Personalization: Parents who are emotionally neglectful often take everything the child does personally. When their children fail to live up to their standards, it feels like a personal affront. When their children feel angry, sad, or hurt, that triggers the parent’s feelings of anger, sadness, and hurt, which subsequently supersede the child’s initial feelings. They do not seek to understand the reasons for their child’s behaviors and feelings. On the other hand, they may also take responsibility for their child’s accomplishments.
What are the lasting results of childhood emotional neglect?
This kind of neglect can have an impact on development, and the legacy of childhood emotional neglect often extends into adulthood. Children who grew up in this environment may experience some or all of the following experiences and behaviors:
People-pleasing: Adults who have experienced childhood emotional neglect often find themselves minimizing or hiding their own feelings to make space for others’ feelings.
Difficulty with relationships: For those who have experienced childhood emotional neglect, it may be challenging to trust that others will want to listen to their emotions, be interested in their internal world, and maintain intimacy and emotional closeness with others. It may feel scary or even impossible to be vulnerable.
Feeling not good enough: Childhood emotional neglect can instill deep feelings of guilt or shame.
Emotional dysregulation: Because emotionally neglectful parents do not consistently respond to their children’s emotions, adults who grew up in this environment might not have been taught how to respond to their own emotions. Emotions can quickly become overwhelming without the skills and tools to self-soothe in healthy ways.
Stress and overworking: Those who have experienced childhood emotional neglect often find themselves working too much or too hard. It may be difficult to say no to things for fear of disappointing others. Survivors often find it difficult or impossible to allow themselves to relax. Conversely, finding motivation can sometimes be a struggle and there can be a feeling of being frozen or stuck, unable to get anything started.
Chronic unexplained health problems: Chronic neglect as a child puts stress on the body’s systems and can increase the risk of autoimmune disorders, GI problems, muscle tension issues, and more.
Missing key skills: Because emotionally neglectful parents did not teach their children key tasks, these children can grow up and be missing key skills that others seemed to have. This can include things like money management and budgeting, navigating systems like health insurance, and general self-advocacy. Children of emotionally immature parents have often needed to figure things out for themselves at an early age, like college applications or applying for jobs, without the help of adults.
It is possible to heal
Healing from childhood emotional neglect is possible. The first step is acknowledging your experiences of emotional neglect and trauma. Once you recognize your experiences, you can start the process towards healing and growth.
Self-reflection can be an important tool in this process. Using a journal, creating art, and talking with friends can create space for you to reflect on your experiences and better understand what has happened and how it impacts you. Mindfulness meditation can help you grow in your ability to hold space for your emotions and reflect on your experiences without getting overwhelmed.
Connection and community are also important parts of healing. Although intimacy can be challenging, working towards vulnerability with others is an important step towards healing and growth. Pets and animals can provide a safe place to start connecting. Support groups can also be a good place to work on connection.
Healthy habits are important to maintain and support the healing process. Eating sufficient nourishing food, gentle movement and exercise, and getting enough sleep are all important ways to practice self-love and self-care in a literal sense.
Education can help you better understand your own feelings and better meet your own needs. Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk can provide helpful information about trauma. Podcasts like Regulate and Rewire: An Anxiety and Depression Podcast by Amanda Armstrong and Tara Brach’s podcast can also help provide additional support and education.
Professional support in the form of individual therapy, psychiatry, and group therapy can also be beneficial in the process of healing from trauma. Therapies like Internal Family Systems (IFS) focus on unlearning old patterns and releasing painful memories to help you better live in the present and feel more connected.
Put together, all of these approaches can lead to healing, growth, and change. It is possible to move on from childhood emotional neglect and trauma and live a fulfilling life in the present.
*Everyone’s family structure looks different. You may have had one or more primary caregiver, and those caregiver(s) may have been parents, other family members, or other community members or foster parents. This article uses parent/parents and caregiver/caregivers interchangeably, but the information here can apply to all types of caregivers.
